It is the First Day of School and I...

1) went for the visa interview and got my US Visa approved
2) finished my 'housekeeping' stuff at work
3) completed one screening (include talking to parents) and one screening report
4) put and done up a department notice board
5) set up a database for children for external transfer for department
6) complied a list of children due for assessment and divided workload
7) sorted out and filed the materials needed for the training in North Carolina
8) did my time-table for the semester

Hmmm... Not too bad for the first day.

Has it really?

Has it really been that busy? I felt as if i never did have a holiday. Time could be a really strangly flexible thing. It was like an overstretched balloon while i was in melbourne and shrunk inward and whizzed around the minute i went back to work. I guess when you average it all out, every day probably ends up with the same amount.

I am not quite sure what happened over the last 2 weeks.

The miunte i wrote that, i realized that that is not quite true. I do know what had happened, every step of the way, every words spoken at meetings, every tasks i planned to do and accomplished. I just chose not to acknowledge that knowledge on some level. I find that happening to me often. Not quite the ostrich in the sand thing but choosing to pretend to be vague when i know that i am not.

Psychoanalyze. Psychoanalyze. Psychoanalyze.

Bottomline, i am just lazy.
Unless when i choose not to be.
Criteria subjective.

Choice. What a powerful thing to have. Even the illusion of having one is better than none.

I chose to be vague, be lazy, be blur, be silly. Because i chose to be these whenever i want and to whoever i chose, i can retain that little smugness in myself. In my power to exercise that choice. Why do i choose to do it is really inconsequential to anyone else. Why should people waste time in understanding my little quirks? Why should i question myself on whether if i really had any choice to begin with?

Illusion is the next most powerful thing to own. It builds up your self esteem when you have none. It makes you feel good when you believe in the things that make you feel good even though you might be walking around naked instead of your princely robes.

I have a choice.
And it made me feel good.
If no one understand, then i choose to think that i am being delibrately cryptic.

Didn't you know that Illusion can be your friend?

SQ21

I am flying to new york non-stop!
Hurrah!

What's cooking...

Went to a performance art event last night which took place at his studio space.
There were quite a number of people and it was pretty hot.
Not to say that i do not enjoy the performance (involved a cook, a guy tying himself up in knots, a sound artist and what i think is a graffiti vandal), but it was really too hot and stuffy.
After a while, i gave up and sat outside talking to a artist friend who is planning to move to taiwan for the sake of his girl.
Very cute, the way he talked.
Ah...
I smiled to myself.
Anyway, i didn't catch the rest of the performance and wasn't too sure if i understood any of it that i have watched.
However, i am sure if i think a little more about it, i could probably form some intelligent impressions.

Why?

Why last time i can type my blog in chinese and view it later and now i can't?

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Memory Lapse

Things are moving... evolving.
The things around me.
The people around me.
Me.
It should feel unsettling but it isn't.
I feel comfortable where i am.
It is nice.

These days, it is harder and harder to recall my past. I wonder if it is a sign of old age. *smiles* I have always been awkward... caught between being painfully shy and having a sneaky need to grab attention whenever i can. Sounds strange now but i guess it explained why most of my peers in school hardly knew of my existence on one hand and yet there were the various "exploits" on stage. I seemed to remember numerous occasions of burying my nose in tons of books in the library, along the corridors and on the bus. Also, wasn't that me, daring one of my friends to crow like a rooster on the bus? As i recall, i did that too, to her and other passengers' amusement. I never stopped to wonder why did i do that. I have a uncanny feeling that friends used to think that i am pretty weird. Perhaps they still do. Oh well, at least i am the provider of much laughter and funny memories (usually of me doing dumb things) whenever we have class reunions.

Mr FuzzBall

I haven't really been in that many relationships (actually, just 3 so far...) but i viewed my relationships with these 3 different guys as rather unique learning experiences. For Mr No. 1 and 2, though i had feelings, attraction and affection (even love at some stage i think) for them, they were never quite Mr Love-Of-My-Life. But Mr No. 3, he is a whole different kettle of fish altogether...

I was watching Adam Sandler's 50 First Dates, a candyfloss sweet romantic movie, on the plane back from Melb when i had this sudden insight that sent quivers down my stomach (well, possibly indigestion... open for interpretation really). You know how girls would watch these romantic movies and lament how sweet the hero is and how their boyfriends would never do what the hero has done (i.e. slay a dragon, trade in his riches, pick out his eyeballs etc)? When i watched 50 First Dates where the hero has to constantly make Ms Love-Of-His-Life (unfortunately Ms Short-Term-Memory-Loss as well) fall in love with him every single day, at the point when most girls would go "aww.. that's so sweet, my boyfriend would never do that for me!", i surprised myself and thought, Mr No. 3 would do that for me.

Yes. I could be delusional but hey, to be able to make a girl feel like that about a guy, he darn well must be doing something right don't you think? I think Mr No. 3 would be the closest thing i have in my whole life to warrant the Love-Of-My-Life title. But I think i will just call him Mr FuzzBall for short 'cos he is so cuddly. *squeal squeal*

*heh heh*
I'm gonna get whack around by a pillow for this blog.
I just know it.

The Da Vinci Code & thereabouts

Finished reading 3 out of 4 of Dan Brown's books and frankly, i did not think too much of them in general. All the hype was not quite justifiable in my opinion. Sure, i was quite entertained by the Da Vinci Code and Angels & Demons but i think he has just rather cleverly used interesting 'facts' (authenticated on not is rather debatable) and wrapped it around a rather limpid B-grade murder/triller/mystery fictatious story with unexceptional writing style. I would say that other writers such as Sheldon or Archer has much better writing abilities to draw their readers in with their trillers within the mass-appeal market.

To be fair, I thought Angels & Demons was a rather good effort on the traditional "whodunnit" tale (I didn't quite guess who was the mastermind till 3/4 through the book though it was mainly because with all the hype, my expectations soar and i started thinking "chim") but Da Vinci Code was a letdown and the characters are hardly more than cardboard stereotypes. All the superfluous facts and conspiracy theories, without which, the book would have fallen flat on its face and perhaps remain a inconspicuous paperback on the lower rungs of a bookshelf, most likely smacked in between the likes of Digital fortress and Deception Point.

Dreaming...

Dear friend,

I dreamt that you died last week. No, not from a falling flower pot or a exploding toilet. But how isn't the main point. The main thing is, you passed away before i had a chance to get to know you. I felt really sad for not trying hard enough to find time on my part. Rest assured that i will try to do so now but in the meantime, stay away from window ledges and faulty toilets, okie?

Luv, Alice
P.S. Just so you know, we would have been rather good friends i thought.

Homeward Bound

Finally, after a week of hospitality from dear old bro (yes yes yes! i knew getting him presents would come in useful one day!), i am flying back to singapore later in the day. I bet he is really looking forward to sending me off at the airport too. Ah, like mom said, 'if he treated you dinner at the crown, you'd know its time to leave'. *chuckles* But to be fair, bro has been an exemplary host in the last couple of day and i can't say thank you enough.

It's really cold here today and i think i got all my shopping done. Not that i have much money to spend on shopping except for some of the stuff which other people had asked me to buy for them. Hardly bought anything for myself and i guess i have not thought of this trip as anything but a 'business' trip, so not geared to buying gifts home *hide under covers*. Felt a little bad though about not getting some things for close friends and colleagues but then, i seriously didn't even have a single aussie cent on me when i touched down (well, no time to go exchange money) and it is sort of more like going 'home' than going for a 'trip'. In any case, if anyone needs anything, you all can still sms me in the next... 5 hours or so, or while i am at duty free in the airport. *grins*

Hmm... *excuse mode off*

I really ought to get a couple bags of those nougat thingies for emergency gifts at the airport duty-free shops later.

To be or not to be... contented.

It seems that my life is slowly coming to an uncomfortable standstill filled with... get this.. 'contentment'. Great. I know it is. But what is it about humans to question every good thing that fall onto their laps and view it with suspicion rather than bring out the champagne and crackers in celebration? I think it is the unfortunate effects of "this is too good to be true", "this can't be happening to me" and of course, to avoid the "boy do i feel stupid" aftermath when you find the so-called good thing lying on your lap, turns out to be a real ugly toad. Ok. Perhaps it is only me, the perpetual pessimistic optimist (or was it the other way round again? i forgot).

I am entering a rare sense of stability in my life these days. Work is stable. Family is stable. Relationship is stable. Friendship is stable. Cat and dog are stable. Hell, it would be highly unlikely that nothing is stable. In fact, all the cheering for my good fortune has left me rather hoarse (ooo Horse! geddit? geddit? nahhh... forgeddit...). So what the heck am i complaining about? Nothing really. I am happy. Contented. Blissful. In fact, nothing really bugs me... except perhaps this tiny itsy bitsy nagging voice at the back of my head going "geez, that big rock from the sky should fall about right... now?". I guess, the more good things i have, the more i wonder when the axe is gonna fall because life ain't suppose to be good... not for long anyway.

Sad, eh?

Not that i am taking that little voice very seriously. I still live a fulfilling and interesting life despite it being there. It is just the fact that it is there sometimes boggles my mind. Perhaps i am not accustomed to having good things happening to me. If so, that still doesn't explain why the heck do i feel so surprise when BAD things happen to me. Right? After all, i have been expecting terrible things to happen (most of the time) right? That's me. Miss Hard-to-please.

So where does that leave us? I meant me? Pretty much nothing except a rather contented life with a wiggle of doubt nudged in between one good thing and the next. I can live with that. I always had.

Believe...

When i failed to get my PR extended the first time, i called my parents in China ranting about stupid immigration officers. The first thing my mom asked me was whether i had prayed before i went into the office. Such a loaded question especially when she knew that i don't pray. I would hesitate to say that i don't believe in god because i do have spiritual beliefs, though perhaps unconventional aka non-christian ones. The bone of contention has never been "Is there a god?" but rather, can i believe the people who purported to SPEAK for god. In any case, the little insinuation from dear old mom was right, i DIDN'T pray. In fact i almost never do. I find it hypocritical to pray when i am in need and in other days when i don't, i act as if religion doesn't exist. As with most other such 'religious' instances, i told my mom to pray for me instead because that's something everyone can live with. I have it on my conscience that i did not "ling2 shi2 bao4 fo2 jiao3" (i.e. hugging buddha's foot in the last minute) and my mom can console herself trying to convert her wayward daughter through her faith. Silly perhaps. I guess this little 'ideological principle' is part of my way of sorting out spirituality and religion within my own little world.

I don't know what it is. Perhaps god listened to mom on the second day after she and dad prayed about it. I was plainly feeling indignant that the other two chappies the previous day snubbed me right left and centre, and was quite ready to chew off someone's head. A little part of me was feeling a little bit scared about getting another rejection and facing the prospect of being the only person in the family left out of this whole 'aussie-pr' loop. I guess in my heart i was going "let me meet someone who will at least listen" softly to myself. Does that constitute praying? If so, to whom? I am not sure. Still, the first chap i spoke to on the second day was kind and willing to listen to me. In fact, i did not have to say too much before he automatically renewed my PR on the spot.

When i called mom, that became a reaffirmation of the power of her prayers and god. A miracle, abeittedly a small one but a miracle in her eyes nonetheless. For me... the rational part of me would like to think that i am lucky. Ask me why i steadfastly refused to acknowledge any show of divine interventions in my life and i would not be able to answer you. If god has in mind for me to walk down a path to feeling and acknowledging him, it would not be an easy path. I know that, and i am sure the almighty one knows that too. I don't think i am being stubborn, nor coldly rational. If anything, i am feeling insecure in taking that leap of faith which everyone who believes speak so highly about. I look around me and at some of the practitioners of this 'faith' and i asked myself, is it worth jumping across the chasm and expecting to be lifted with no holds barred when i cannot condone some of the hypocrisy being done in god's name?

It is an argument without resolution for me at this point. If i am to believe... i would not be hypocritical and say that i believe with all my heart when what i am expecting is help when i am in need. Till the day when i feel that i can wholeheartedly believe in god without thinking first of my needs, i guess, dear mom and dad will just have to continue praying for me.

Winter in Melbourne...

... is pretty cold.

It has been a relaxing and restful one week after the rather brain numbing experience of trying to get my PR extended for another 5 years (thankfully i have succeeded after THREE attempts in TWO days *yay me!*). Actually i am surprised i got it all done in 15minutes on the last try. The official word is that it takes AT LEAST two weeks. Ya right. Hrummph. I guess it all depends on who you talk to and how HELPFUL they want to be. Luckily, the last chap i talked to was pretty nice and willing to listen to my rather carefully planned story/excuses on why i was not in Australia in the last 5 years (technically, i have been here for 36 days in total). Well, the first two didn't even want to talk to me *sheesh*! But let bygones be bygones... I got my PR till 2009 and that's all that matters. *evil crackle* Yes yes... terrible i know i am.. but what the heck, i do plan to come here... sooner or later anyway.

So after that harrowing two days, I have been doing nothing except reading books (finished Dan Brown's Angels&Demons and The Da Vinci Code), walking around melb city, visiting various museums and markets and having gastonomical delights courtesy of my brother here. Turkish on sunday. Steak on monday. Mexican on tuesday. Greek on wednesday. And i believe tonight we are having japanese and having dim sum on saturday morning! I will worry about friday night tomorrow. *smirks*

I think Melbourne is beginning to grow on me. It is no longer unfamiliar or foreign and not quite as boring as i thought before. I am confident in driving around and am actually recognizing the roads and landmark. I guess i am feeling like 1/4 of a resident here and not so much of a visitor like the other times i have been here.

Think tomorrow i will drive to Werribee open range safari zoo outside melbourne... but then, i may not. Ah well. It is nice having no agenda and no pressure once in a while though i can't wait to get back to Spore on sunday either.

*stretches*

All in all, a most rejuvenating holiday.

Bounce

I am bouncing from activities to activities... place to place... day to day...

Camp is finally finished.
All the kids have gone home.
All the screaming had ceased.

Packing is finally done.
All the documents necessary.
All the clothes i need.


Within the transit lounge,
I can finally relax
and wait for my adrenaline to recede.

Happy Birthday to...

YOU, NGD!!!!!

26 years old already, so please don't do that funny head dancing movement anymore.
*grins*

Busy Busy BUSY!

I know its school holidays but i am so freaking busy!

To do list:
1) prepare for siblings camp - booklet, certificates, materials etc
2) write essay for australia immigration office to 'beg' them to extend my PR for another 5 years
3) pack my bags for camp!!
4) pack my bags for melbourne!!!!!
5) meet people whom i am suppose to meet

All in one week... Oh, i am sure i have neglected to mention other things too but... well.. i am just to busy to be coherent.

In any case, this is a tough week ahead.

Because:
1) can't log in at home cos' something wrong with tel phone to computer thingy
2) no printer at home to print out the stupid PR 'essay' which means i have to try to do it in school now and today is the last day i will be in school!!!!
3) 3 days 2 night camp from thursday on till saturday
4) flying off to melbourne sunday morning
5) and did i mentioned i have not pack anything yet?!?!?!
6) i can't seem to remember where are all my necessary documents that i need to bring to melb... kind to think about it... WHAT do i need to bring?!

Hmmmmmm..... *deep breath deep breath*

On a nice note, my brother likes his new name card holder i got him for his birthday... and i am watching faye wong's concert tomorrow because someone gave me a free ticket.

Guess i won't be blogging for a bit.
For reasons, see above.

Ok... back to laminating certificates for the camp...